Jamie Lloyd announces next big project: King Lear starring Arnold Schwarzenegger for a strictly limited season
Jamie Lloyd. Photograph: Emilio Madrid
King of stuntcasting Jamie Lloyd has arguably pulled off his greatest coup yet: Hollywood legend Arnold Schwarzenegger will make his West End debut playing King Lear at a venue yet to be disclosed.
An inside source at Jamie Lloyd Productions has told us, "he wasn't keen on Shakespeare initially. We spent some time workshopping a few proposals he came up with himself: an operetta based on Commando, an all-singing-all-dancing Predator musical in the style of Bob Fosse and a family-friendly clown show using the storyline from the first two Terminator movies.
"We originally wanted him to headline The Score so we could have 'I'll be Bach!' on the posters. Unfortunately, he nixed the idea then Trevor Nunn and Brian Cox beat us to the punch.
"When he did finally come round to the Bard, Schwarzenegger expressed an interest in developing The Two Gentlemen of Verona. In this innovative and ambitious realisation, it would be renamed The Two Gentlemen of Vietnam and be set not in an Italian forest but, instead, in a Southeast Asian jungle in the 1960s. It would star himself and 80s action icon Sly Stallone in their first stage collaboration. They would play Valentine and Proteus as two grizzled special forces soldiers on one last mission with their love interests Silvia and Julia played by Zendaya and Margaret Qualley. To the disappointment of all involved, we couldn't get schedules and budgets to align.
"He only jumped on the idea of King Lear when we mentioned that Kenneth Branagh bared his abs for a two-hour-no-interval version. 'I can do it for 4 hours wearing just a thong! And maybe we could sell thongs as merch!' was his response. We agreed to circle back on those thoughts but we’re looking at Millie Bobby Brown, Bella Ramsey and Sydney Sweet to play his daughters for the London and Broadway runs.”
Our source denied that Schwarzenegger’s actor son, Patrick (currently starring in the latest season of White Lotus) will be given a special role. “Patrick is no nepo baby, and Arnie believes in making your own way. As he has told us on quite a few occasions: ‘Without my parents’ support, I moved to the United States, I won the bodybuilding contest Mr Olympia seven times, and I was elected the governor of California as well as becoming the biggest Hollywood star of the twentieth century.’ If Patrick does become involved with King Lear, he will likely only step in for his father on Thursdays, Fridays and both Saturday shows (after the press night, obviously).”
Secret previews held in Schwarzenegger’s private nuclear fallout bunker have already garnered some positive feedback and constructive criticism: “Better than Elektra!” said one reviewer while another opined “Is it too late to call Sigourney?”
As for the venue, Arnie has had a few ideas. "He originally wanted to knock through the walls between Wyndham's and the Noel Coward to create one mega-theatre in the West End but Westminster Council haven't gotten back to us about that yet. As a backup, he's willing to go all cosy and underground at London Coliseum before finding a more suitable space."
In other breaking news, we can exclusively reveal that the Society of London Theatre is working on a couple of radical policies that should reinvigorate the capital.
Firstly, they want to bring in an annual quota on new musicals. A spokesperson said "If our calculations are correct, when this town hits 88 musicals per year, we're gonna see some serious pushback."
Concerned about bad audience behaviour, SOLT have also proposed that all West End theatres have "relaxed Monday shows". Everyone will be allowed to bring in as much hot food and alcoholic drinks as they like and, at any time during the night, take videos, chat, sing or even fight to their heart's content. The spokesperson said "It'll be like The Purge except not quite so civilised."
More as we get it.
